Monthly Archives: December 2015
Monthly Archives: December 2015
As I reflect and think about walls, which are like boundaries- some are necessary. The problem arises if we put some up for the wrong reasons or if we don’t take them down when necessary.
Take for instance my first marriage, which was abusive. After that experience I was afraid to trust anyone. I kept my heart at a distance. There were times I was hurt when helping people or doing ministry, because the enemy came in and used people who were broken or immature to destroy what God was doing. It caused me to pull back again because I didn’t want to be hurt or abused again. God didn’t want me to put up walls and hide behind them so he kept tugging at my heart to help his people. He kept nudging me with the scripture do you love me? Feed my sheep. I’d hear it in a sermon or come across it in my reading, or he’d drop it in my spirit.
In truth I wasn’t happy. I felt like something was missing. I’ve always helped people and prayed for them. God made me an intercessor, but I was fearful. I started helping more but one on one, and I realized hurt people are are also capable of hurting others. I felt God keep telling me to step out again, to put myself out there in front of everyone, and I thought, no way! I’ve seen and felt what people can do. I’ve met a lot of cruel people. God kept telling me to step out and be real. When I did, some people came up to me after my speaking thanking me for being real. Some came up to me in tears and hugged and thanked me.
When I was teaching the at Salvation Army I used to tell my girls don’t get upset when someone gives you a weird look. Maybe they’re hurting or just got into a fight with someone. You don’t know what they’re going through. Try reaching out, smile and be nice. It ended up working. Many of the women became really good friends and are still connected years later.
Many people think because people are different, they are odd or you can’t connect. I have always been blessed with friends that vary in thought, color and age. I have found that everyone has something to teach us, gifts to share and joy to bring into our lives. To connect we have to let down our walls or come out from behind them.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t use wisdom or have boundaries. But we still have to love, help, share, and be real with people if we’re going to be any use to the kingdom. After all isn’t that what it’s all about?
When the Walls Crumble
Sometimes we may come out
From behind the walls we’ve built,
For a moment,
An hour, or a day.
Then we run back to their shelter,
Until the next time we feel brave enough to venture out.
Over time our walls begin to crumble
Little by little as the years pound against them.
Some of our walls may be suddenly bulldozed
By circumstances beyond our control,
Then we’re left exposed,
And something happens,
A shift and a change occurs.
It’s then we realize the walls that we built
Were really prisons we put ourselves into,
And now that we’re exposed
We’re also free.
Prayer: God help us to break down our own walls, so that we can walk together in love and unity. Free us to be who you created us to be. Lights, visions of hope, intercessors, warriors, teachers, healers, your hands of love extended. In Jesus name we ask. Amen.
In my last post, I shared how I wanted to find a new job because I had been with my current employer for ten years. Well, I finally have the new job. It has been quite a journey, although it’s only been a few weeks.
I was blessed to be able to work with the same company for ten years, yet secretly the only reason I was there that long was because I was afraid to move on. Now here I am in this brand new position and you know what? God is still teaching me how to trust Him and move past the fear of failure. I knew my old position like the back of my hand, to the point where I could work from home. In this new position I am learning entirely different operating procedures; it’s challenging.
Do you talk to yourself? I talk to myself all day long. I think to myself, “this is a new position, it’s going to take time to get acclimated; be patient with yourself.” And two seconds later a work situation arises and I think, “Oh my gosh I hate learning curves. I just want to know how everything works, now,” which is impossible, but if only! I love my new position, however the first few weeks were unnecessarily rough because I was operating out of fear and not trusting God. I went home every night and rehashed everything from the work day. Then laid awake worried about my to do list, and when I’d fall asleep I’d dream about work. That was not healthy because my behavior was driven by a fear of failure.
I believe fear of failure entered my life when I was five years old and my Mom was home schooling me. When I initially learned the alphabet, I would say “x,y and z.” My Mom wanted this corrected because it sounded like “xyNz,” therefore she would have me repeat the alphabet over and over. One night she grew tired and she left me in the kitchen/classroom to practice. After a while I knocked on her room door and recited the alphabet, incorrectly, again. Out of exasperation she slammed the room door and told me not to come back until I got it right. At the time I could not understand what the big deal was, however in that moment I learned to tie my performance into acceptance and personal worth. The next day my Mom was refreshed and patient and fyi I did eventually learn my A B and C’s 😉
After this last experience with fear of failure at work, I finally made a decision to believe God and rely on what He taught me through previous experiences. It is astounding how much my perspective changed (and how much better I slept) when I simply believed Him. God is faithful and He promised me the grace to do what He has directed me to do, at work, at home, at church, and in school. His grace is sufficient, which means I do not have to be afraid to fail because I am in relationship with Him.
This whole process makes me laugh at myself because when I resigned from my previous position I was convinced that I had overcome my fear of failure. As my Pastor says: a lesson unlearned is a lesson returned. And this makes perfect sense because God’s intention is to teach, not punish. He loves me too much to leave me in a place of fear.
Isaiah 43:1 NKJV “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.